6 January 2009, 8:23 pm
Well, hello. I am a 14 year-old girl who has really screwed up her life. About 4 years ago, I lived in a different area in my town, where I had two really great friends. School was alright and things were just fine. Life was pretty good. Unfortunately my family had to move to a new location. I was really sad about moving. I've always been that little shy/ quiet person. I've always been very self-conscious. I always hated the way I looked. I was scared about changing school and not making new friends. But my mother told me, that everything was gonna be alright. That I would make new friends and that I would like our new house and location. My mother was never wrong, so I believed her. And also, my two friends promised that we would be "BFF" and never loose contact. We moved at the time when I was starting 6th grade. It was a very small school, much smaller then my old one. My class was a split class. Everyone knew each other very well and I was sorta the odd ball in the corner. I was teased very badly in that school. I was also teased a bit in my old school but not very much. Just the kinda friend tease since I knew everyone so well. One reason that I was teased badly in my new school was because my background was different from theirs. And that seemed like a problem to those children because there were two other people who came from different backgrounds (not the same as me) who were also always the ones left behind. Those kids who teased were so ignorant and I don't even think they had a heart. They'd make me cry almost everyday and just kept continuing. All those kids were pretty athletic and just because I was bad at PE they'd tease me like hell. But I lived through it. Then it was time for High School. (High School starts at 7th grade here.) Through my 6th grade year, I became a lot more self-conscious then I already was before. High School has a lot of different people from everywhere, and I thought I would probably make a new friend. But I was wrong. I was alone everywhere. Always had no place to go at lunch-time. Just sitting in the library every single day listening to my iPod. But then I didn't really mind it. I learned how to stay alone and thought it was okay with me. I didn't care about the people in my school. But maybe one of the reasons was because, I wasn't alone. I know this sounds extremely stupid but... at the end of 2006, I met a person. On the internet. I know that's not right. But at the time I didn't have anyone one to talk to so I would just used the internet to feed me. I never liked myself, and obviously if I don't like myself, how would anyone like me. So I lied to this person. I lied terribly. I started fresh as a new person with him. I lied about my name, my age, my friends, my family, my life story... everything. And I was lying by the telling the story of the person I always wanted to be. The life I want to have. This guy that I talked to... he ended up liking this new me a lot. (he doesn't know anything about the in reality me.) He knows the real me. As in the person deep inside me that never comes out. He ended up liking me a whole lot and it was so obvious all blind things could tell... and with this new story of me, I had a soul mate, a lover, what most people call a "boyfriend", which my internet friend was really sad about. We used to talk about everything. He used to always tell me about how much he thought his life was screwed up. And the story he told was the same as mine. So it felt so good that someone out there felt the same way I did. I ended up falling in love with him. Expect for the person he knew I was, I couldn't tell him that. And then one day, he tells me he's in love with me. It felt great but I knew I was hurting him because I somehow could not admit that I do too. He always thought that he meant shit to me. But really he's the most important thing in my life. He's my air. And I know that sounds totally crazy; falling in love with someone miles away, not even seeing their face. I never felt that "lovesick" feeling, cause I always thought that I had a chance. That he would keep loving me. But again, like I always do, I screwed up. Two years have gone by since then. And now we barely talk at all. And if we do, it lasts two seconds. I think it is because I never know what to say to him, so he could like me more. Now is when I feel that "lovesick". I know what lovesick is now. It's the feeling that does not allow you to breathe anymore unless you force it to and yet you still can't breathe. It's the feeling that makes you lye in bed for hours until your eyes get weak and can't hold themselves up anymore. I know this sounds totally stalkish, but I created a new email, a new character and with this character I asked him if he was in love, he said "not really". Then I asked him if he liked anyone.... and you know what... he named 7 girls. 7... not one was my name. I stalked him on his myspace. Looking at all the girls on his Top 12 or whatever. Those are all the the girls he named. Now I keep thinking that he probably doesn't want to talk to me anymore because those girls are probably so much better than I am. And he doesn't talk to me anymore cause his life has improved so much since we first met... and he probably doesn't need me anymore. We haven't had a real conversation in months and it's making me sick... really sick... so sick I stopped eating. Been feeling really weak. My skins changing colour. Now is where I feel lonely and that I need someone to talk to. I can't stop thinking about those two old friends I had before I moved. "Do they remember me?" "Should I email them?" "What will they think of me?". I feel like I lost everything, now that "he's" not really there anymore. My parents have no idea how I feel. My dad doesn't give a shit about anything. And he keeps telling me that I'm a terrible daughter and I have exactly no clue what I did wrong. I keep hating him more and more everyday. My mother is very understanding. She knows some She knows something is wrong with me. She told me that I should see a therapist, but I keep saying no because I don't want everyone in my family to think I'm insane or having issues, even thought I know I am. Just to clear this out my parents don't know anything about what I just said. I always keep my thoughts clouded up in my mind. And it's making me sick, I need that someone to put it on. I know some things I said are very selfish and I'm sorry. Some things might not be clear. I never learned how to explain how I truly feel or what I really mean. And I'm posting this because I want to know what you guys think I should do, your opinion ect.. but the main reason I'm posting this is because I can't keep it in anymore, even though I didn't exactly add everything. But I had to let it out somehow. And I think I might feel a little better after posting this and reading your comments.... Thank you to anyone who took time to read and respond. It means a lot to me.... Read More »
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